After his insistence at a hearing yesterday that an increase to fundng for food stamps was "immoral," Senator Jeff Sessions was lured into a Washington alleyway and attacked by his relatives. "How do you think poor children can enjoy a magically delicious breakfast?" Sessions' brother was heard to shout as he repeatedly pummeled the Alabama Republican.
Though Sessions began weeping and begging for mercy, his tears were met with jeering by his cousins who surrounded the pair. "All that dough you get from big business," said one of them, "and you want to starve poor kids? I'll give you something to cry about!"
Even Sessions' vow to make amends by appearing on Sesame Street to cheer on the letter K was met with derison. "Oh, stop with the KKK crap," said another relative. "We may live in a hollow tree, but we're not stupid."
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